Vegetarians are ASSHOLES!

     Vegetarians. You either like them or you really hate them. And if you are a chef, it is a safe bet that it is the latter. Vegetarians have spent years coming into restaurants saying, “your food is not good enough for me, can you prepare me something special?” At least that is what it seems like to the kitchen staff.

What some people don’t know or don’t care about is that a Chef’s menu is typically a well thought out piece of “artwork.” I use the term artwork A. because I lack artistic ability, and I love to plug the term into anything I do just to sound awesome, and B. because it is a time consuming process that hopefully in the end produces a masterpiece. Chefs spend hours, days, sometimes months planning a menu. Searching through piles of recipes, deciding on menu concepts, testing and rewriting recipes. All of that time spent just to have some asshole say,”Ya, I can’t eat anything on your menu, I’m a vegetarian.”This happens so often now that chefs everywhere are being forced to throw a vegetarian option (usually a shitty one) on their menus.

In my time spent in the kitchen I have come across 3 reasons why people are vegetarians.

1. For religious reasons. I have no argument here, everyone has the right to believe what they want.
2. For animal rights reasons. I could write a whole other article on animal rights issues, but I once had a dog that died, so I get it.
3. Because people are inherently STUPID. People think that because they are vegetarian now they are healthy! Maybe even shed some pounds! (I call Bollocks on this one.)

Now I don’t want people to think of me as a racist toward vegetarians because I truly love fruits and vegetables. I can eat a whole meal of broccoli. But what I love even more, is the harmony created by bacon and vegetables. I mean what is sweet corn succotash without bacon? Well, it’s a sweet corn succotash that I don’t want a part of.

My point is this. If you are a vegetarian or you are thinking of becoming a vegetarian you should realize a few things. Chefs are hardworking laborers that create the best food they know how. This almost always includes meat, because it is ABSOLUTELY DELICIOUS. Do not start to think that for any reason you are better than someone else. You do not deserve special recognition. You are not a better person than me because I meat. And lastly, Do not go into any restaurant and ask for a special off menu preparation of your food. This whole vegetarian craze is getting popular enough for people to open places devoted entirely to vegans. Go to these places. They want your business! I want your business too, I just would rather you go elsewhere than to hear your complaining.

Ron Swanson on Meatless Bacon!

Just a video of one of my favorite television characters displaying his opinion of meatless bacon, one that I happen to share with him.

David Chang gives me a Man Boner.

That’s right I said it, and I’m not ashamed.  David Chang gives me a man boner! Some of you chef and food critics are probably sick of hearing his name thrown around like he has invented sliced bread, and what the hell does my opinion mean anyway? Well, it doesn’t mean a damn thing. I have just been taking a Youtube tour of Chang videos and feel the need to share his awesomeness. 

I started developing my man crush a few years ago when a fellow chef friend of mine told me about “cereal milk”, the dumbest idea I had ever heard of.  This “milk” was the basis for a few desserts at the Momofuku establishments and sounds absolutely stupid. I wasn’t the only person in the kitchen that laughed at the idea of cereal milk. In fact, it was a running joke when we couldn’t think of a dessert item. Someone would jokingly say,”Let’s make some cereal milk panna cotta.” A very ironic thing happened and my friend brought in the remaining items from his pantry; he was moving away. With all of the canned food items, there was also a half eaten box of cereal and plenty of milk to play around with. Naturally, we jokingly made cereal milk and churned it into an ice cream. At that moment my taste buds took me from first base to third, giving me a fully erect man boner crush.

Now, just to set the record straight, I am not professing my dying love for Chang, I am a very straight heterosexual male. I am just saying I get extra excited about all things Momofuku and David Chang. In a manly way. Good food has a way with messing with your feelings. 

Other than the fact that cereal milk almost made me pre, there are a lot of other redeeming qualities about the dude. Often times when passing judgment on a chef i do look at their food or the establishment they are running. I look at a chef and ask myself,”Would I want to work for them?” When it comes to Chang this answer is an emphatic YES! He impresses the hell out of me with his no bullshit kind of attitude. His theories on food; keep it simple, keep it cheap, make sure its fucking good is exactly how I feel. Above all, the thing that impresses me the most is the Momofuku establishments he represents.

In an online video done with Vice, called “Munchies” Chang makes a few statements that really hit home with me. He says,”…all of the other chefs around me were WAY better than I was… I needed to challenge myself and I thought opening a restaurant would be the ultimate test to see if I could, just do it.” It is this kind of thinking that sets David Chang apart from most chefs. He has a very good understanding of food as a whole. He knows that he is not the greatest chef in the world but he knows how to cook really good food. His selling point became great innovative food at a cheap price. And he has created an empire from it, which is why he gives me a man boner.  

 

How to Handle the Heat!

Chefs are a very interesting breed of people. They come from many different backgrounds and social status’. In my kitchen career I have come to notice they all seem to possess two of the same qualities. Those qualities are Pride, Dedication and the ability to at any given moment be the biggest ASSHOLE you have ever met. Aside from one or two people I have worked for, the ego’s of the kitchen staff are always too big for the kitchen itself. So here is my guide to getting through a day without getting fired… Or Stabbed!

1. Keep you head down and shut up!

-Nobody, especially the Executive Chef really care that much about your opinion. Unless you are the leader of that kitchen, your name means nothing. Diners really do believe that the Executive Chef prepared their entire meal good or bad. If you are told to do something say, “Yes Chef!” and fucking do it! Your Chef may get all the praise but he also takes all the blame

2. Take Responsibility for YOUR Mistakes!

-An oven is an oven. A stove is a stove. The sole function of these items is to heat up to the temperature YOU tell it. If something burns, it’s not the ovens fault. It is YOUR fault for not checking food item. You have to realize that mistakes in a kitchen will happen everyday, and it can be very stressful. But, when you have some assclown standing around making up excuses and pointing the blame elsewhere after they messed up, you get a room full of pissed off chefs. A scene nobody is comfortable being around. When burning an item, you should man up say,”Chef, I messed up, how can I fix it?” Then you fix it making sure it is absolutely perfect this time.

3. Don’t try to be a Hero.

-If you have an entire station to prep and your chef needs help with the special for the evening. Don’t bite off more than you can chew just to kiss some ass.  Specials are important. Often they take time to prepare, and nothing should be half-assed. So, focus on your station and let some other bloke volunteer. That way when your finished with your station you can rescue him later when he is in the weeds. That is when you become someone’s hero for the night.

4. Clean as you go!

-This is easier said than done, but making a habit of working clean can get you a long way in a kitchen. Nobody likes a dirty chef.

5. Label and Date EVERYTHING!

-This again is something that is very easy to look past, specially in a small kitchen.  But, how fucking lazy do you have to be to not label and date things properly. Your refrigerator should be a sacred place, where everything is organized neatly, properly and food is fresh as can be. This cannot be done when half empty containers are laying around and you have no idea what is in them or when they were prepared.

6. Break Down Containers!

-Nothing irritates me more in a kitchen, than when I cannot find a large storage container; and then I find out the reason I cant find them is because they are already being used to hold miniscule amounts of food in the walk-in. Break that shit down! Put things in smaller containers. Not only does it help keep products fresh while in the container but it also really helps you get a visual on products you have, and what you may need to purchase. Not to mention the space it will save you. You may even pass your health inspection!

7. SHOW UP!

Chefs are notorious for going after a late night of work, and partying their asses off till the early hours of the morning. DO NOT be the one who calls in sick the next day because you are not feeling well the next day. Suck it up. Get your ass into work and sweat it out on the line, just like the rest of the crew!

8. Only the Executive Chef is allowed to be a Smart-Ass.

You can dance around this one as much as you want, depending on your chef, I know it is nearly impossible not to make a sarcastic remark when the front-of-the-house comes back with a stupid question. But in general, keep the smart-ass remarks to a minimum. They always seem to put someone in a foul mood.

So there you have it. The guide to surviving in a commercial kitchen. Now anyone should be able to survive in a kitchen.

A world without celebrity Chefs

It is crazy to think about it, but just in the year 1939 Americans had no idea what a Pizza was.  It is hard to imagine this because it is almost inevitable when someone poses the question,”what should we eat tonight?” someone will answer with;”PIZZA!”  So, how did we go from a nation of not having pizza to what we have now?  I think we have a few individuals to thank for that.

Today food means something completely different than it did back then. Dining out used to be only for special occasions and ordering in, well that was just unheard of.  Every day those that had money would pay a visit to their local deli to buy some meat, then they would pass by the market for fresh vegetables, then walk further down the street to the local bakery all in preparation for the night’s meal.

Fast forward a few years to now. What is food now?  With all the mass production of food, we often find ourselves asking,”What the hell is this, Is it organic?” or “what restaurant did you get that from?”  It is tough to grasp old ways of dining because it seems like now, on a large scale, since the 1980’s people have settled for eating shit.

If you look beyond all the horrible fast food places and deep fryer joints you may find a small place to eat that has surprisingly great food.  If you look even further you may stumble across a Michelin rated restaurant, or a Ferran Adria inspired molecular gastronomy kitchen which there are now an abundance of in the United States!

So how did we go from eating so terribly to having in my opinion one of the greatest food cultures in the world? I feel it is most likely due to the status we hold for celebrity chefs.  Not your food network stars like Bobby Gay or Paula “I just toss butter in everything” Dean, but three particular people that tried to show the world great food even when it wasn’t very cool to know how to cook. These three chefs James Beard, Julia Child, and Craig Claibourne saw something in food that nobody else did and brought it to the public eye.  Sometimes they did it with restaurant reviews, sometimes they did it with television shows and sometimes they just wrote about the great food they would eat and put it in a cookbook.

These three chefs encouraged many younger generations to cook, to eat and to savor/respect food.  They opened the door for a new line of celebrity chefs like Wolfgang Puck, Emeril Lagasse, and Anthony Bourdain and opened up an entire industry of food writing and blogging. I would like to now give a personal thank you to all of those before me that helped create something I know and love so very much.